Combining the I in me with the Christian values I had come to adopt.
My God, my Father, why have you forsaken me?
I found myself I crying these words out to Jehovah in my distress as my body to burned for what seemed to have been in vain. I had spent my days looking after other peoples interest while I put aside those my own.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interest but each of you to the interest of others.
Philippians 2. 3-5
Had one of my favorite verses betrayed me? Bending over backwards for others having became my second nature I found myself drowning in what I was led to believe was the works of God. “Deliver me oh my savior” I pleaded. Little did I know he would not only save me but put me on a path of restoration. My cry took me on a journey, to free and find myself so I could be well on my way to self actualization. I knew there would be hurdles but nothing prepared for what was about to come my way.
As I opened my door, I came across a wounded man lying by my doorstep, begging for my help. Being the Good Samaritan I was, I felt compelled to do the neighbourly thing which was to help them even though I had taken me so long to prepare for my trip and was going to delay me from getting to my destination. Not long after I began to understand why people had left them there. My initial thought was to leave them be and carry on with my journey but like the women with the issue of blood they touched my hem garment, (my heart) as they begged and pleaded for mercy rendering me powerless. Before long I found myself having conceded to carry their debt at the inn to which they were to be treated. Giving no care to the time I invested in them, they had soon been on their way and inured again, leaving my heart broken with a vow to never help anyone again. It would appear I had once more put my body to burn in vain as I had done before deciding to embark on my journey. “Why? I cried in my distress, why do people keep treating me this way when all I have done is to wish them nothing but good.”
Growing up I kind of understood who I was. I had my own set of values and beliefs and I truly believed I would be a force to be reckoned with. Not only did I not take any nonsense from anyone but I knew who I wanted to became. My mouth had no filter and I always spoke my mind. This had made me came across as arrogant, and so when at age sixteen I got baptized in the Adventist church I felt, perhaps it was time I conformed to what society dubbed good Christian behavior and conduct. My oppressors throw verses at me to manipulate me and I soon became a living sacrifice for the sons of man. In vain I was put on the cross that my savior had already hung on. Why those in my circle thought Jesus wasn’t enough still barflies me to this day. I keep asking why? Why me? Why did I have to burn? What was it about me?
I found myself standing before the mirror scrutinizing my physical appearance. Perchance there was something there that said victimize me. I then considered my character, the character I had developed for years and I concluded that it was the main culprit. I had been kind, considerate, loving and long suffering. When it come to those that called on me, time was not a factor, I provided counsel, money and support. Their burdens were my burdens and there was no limits to my giving.
While I did try to enforce boundaries to my access, I found people kept demanding and bulldozing into my life for as having me around benefited them greatly. Christ as my role model I kept giving what I believed was the right cheek to those who hit me on the left and the left to those who hit me on the right. I had put away my childhood behavior, which was dealing with those that treated me wrong in class, outside the school premises.
Baptized unto the cross I had become one with the rejected chief corner stone. One with my savior who was mocked and rejected while Barnabas was chosen and him left to die. I then realized that my mistake. I had never taken the time to search and understand myself as the new creation. And what it really meant to be in Christ.
Hanging on the cross
At the cross in Golgotha, while he hung for the sins of his people, he had given vinegar when he made a but a simple request of water. He was denied, rejected and ill treatment although all he did was to show his people love. Thirsting on his mission to save and still willing to die for the salvation of many as simple request for water was replaced with vinegar. It then hit me, I had stepped into the heels of the one who bared and suffered without sin. I knew I had to make some adjudgments if I were to survive on earth. Did that mean I had to give up on Christ?
Certainly not.
While I had been victimized, walking with Christ had been very beneficial to me. I could attest to his mercy and goodness throughout my path. I could boast of how his hand delivered me from sin and protecting me against evil. I found myself recalling bible verses of his lives and times on earth and some light began to shine my way.
While his mission was to heal and save, Jesus new his limits and set strong boundaries. In the book of Mark 4 vs 36-40 he is said to have climbed on the boat and crossed over to the other side, leaving a multitude of people who sought his help. When Martha and Mary sent word of Lazarus illness, he did not drop everything and rush to their rescue. In Matthew 12:46-50 we him refusing manipulation from his family members that wave the family card. While he humors his mother at the wedding in Cana by turning the water into wine, he responds to the messenger sent to call him that his mother and brother were those that preached and did the will of his father.
There were times, Christ lost his temper and through tantrums. In the book of Matthew 21: 12-13 we see him enraged overturning tables of those that had turned the temple into a marketplace rather than a place of worship. And while he was surrounded by disciples to help him with his work, he had solitude prayer sessions. He had a discerning spirit, and new Judas would betray him even though he sat at the same table with him and shared a meal. I knew I had to pray for a discerning spirit too.
While he followed doctrines, he used his own discretion on certain matters. He healed the sick on Sabbath, hanged around tax collectors and allowed a prostitute to rub his feet with her hair. I knew had to find my identity apart from the church teachings. I needed to understand for myself what it meant to be a new creation. And so, I worked on my new identity.
I must say it brought me so much peace find myself in Christ. Although there has been resistance from those who were benefiting from my confusion and ignorance. before long, my transformation caught the eyes of those around me. “Who are you following on the socials?” one asked. “There is too much of a transformation in you and I want to direct me straight to the source” they proclaimed.
“Jesus Christ, of Nazareth my friend” I answered “The one crucified, resurrected and now sitting at the feet of the father. He is in me and I in him, once I was born into Christianity, I am however now the resurrected new creation. Unfazed and happy?’ she laughed.
I have since not looked back and have made it my life mission to help others find themselves, as I believe it is the key to self-actualization.
Have you been on a journey of self-discovery? Care to tell me about what you what you found? And while you at it, please subscribe to my newsletter for more on my journey to self-actualization.